I can't count the times I was told how strong I am, how brave I am. I just don't feel that way. Things have calmed down a bit, but 3 months ago I was a wreck. My daughters were born at 28 weeks and fighting for their lives. I was an emotional wreck and felt I failed as a mother, that I put my children in danger. I was not exuding strength and bravery as others thought. I was clinging to whatever sanity I had left.
I know that there are people who thank God for getting them through a rough patch and never look back until the next one comes along. When I say that, if it weren't for the life saving breath of God, I would have gone off the deep end I mean it. There were plenty of times when I was standing at the edge of a cliff ready to jump, but the Spirit given to me by God to guide me held me firm to ground and eventually back to green pastures. The are no words to explain that place I was in. It was a black hole of pain, anxiety and loneliness. It was the lowest I've ever been. Through continuous prayer God showed me that He was in control and He was by my side. No matter how many times I was at the edge He pulled me back every time faithfully. Two Verses I cling to are "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4) and "God is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask for or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20). Praise God for all he has done these last three months. I cannot look at my daughters and say that God doesn't perform miracles anymore.