|Vincent van Gogh Sorrowing old man "At Eternity's Gate"1890|
I feel this man's pain. I've been trying to pull myself out of this for a while now. Isolated and alone crying in a corner with little hope and much despair. Feeling deeply saddened and enraged at the same time. Burdened and ashamed of painful thoughts he can't put into words. Depression sucks. I was diagnosed with post partum depression (PPD) when the girls were 10 months old. I began treatment, but stopped because I thought I was pregnant again. (I know, what was I thinking!) Anti-depressants and babies don't mix. I didn't go back on because I honestly felt better and I really did not like the side effects of Prozac. A few months later it was evident that I needed to get back on medication. I went to see a psychiatrist as my counselor suggested and now I'm on Lexapro. The psychologist also said I have pre-menstrual disphoric disorder (PMDD). It was my first time seeing a psychologist and I was very uncomfortable being there, but I knew I had to get help. It's been 3 days and I've already noticed a difference in my mood. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally take in a deep breath. The negative thoughts and anxiety were really closing in on me. I couldn't keep it together anymore. I hope I don't have to be on medication long term, but this time I'm not coming off of them until I know I can function without them. I don't want to go back to that awful place again.
With the help of medication and my counselor I, I now know that depression doesn't own me and I have power over it. I will have victory over it. If you or someone you know is suffering from any form of depression, please surround yourself or that person with support and get the help you need. You cannot "shake it off". You do not need to carry on with a smile on your face while you rot away and die inside. I've been there and I'm not going back. I want to enjoy my life, my family and friends. I want to be myself again. I'm not there yet, but I will be.