Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful

I am so all over the place! Things are nuts, crazy, I'm drowning, etc., etc.. Man I need to vent. I do have a pretty good feeding schedule going with the girls, but that's about it. They are always crying maniacs in the afternoon and well into the evening. A friend said they might be teething, but I don't feel anything in their gums about the push through, but that doesn't mean that teeth aren't trying to push through. Everyone thinks "poor babies", but what about mami? Sometimes these girls make me want to jump out a window and other times I want to run away for a week or two. A friend of mine said that I'm not taking care of myself. I agree with her, but how am I suppose to do that? At this point I need to get out of here for a few days, going for a pedicure isn't going to do it for me. I'll be anxious the whole time about going back home that I won't even enjoy myself. I know it sounds terrible, but everyone that has a job with benefits gets vacation time. and everyone with a job has set hours; you do your time and you go home. I don't get that pleasure. It's 24/7 for me. Being a SAHM is not what I thought it would be. For starters, I always imagined it would be with one baby, not two. It is so much work to be a mom, SAHM or working mom. The last thing I want to hear is "Well, that's the decision you made." Right, it was my decision to have twins and have them 3 months early on top of that. I didn't "take pills" or have IVF, mine were conceived the old fashioned way. I've said it before and I say it again: God gave me twins because He knew one baby would've been way too easy for me. Moms absolutely do not get enough credit for what they do, what they sacrifice, and how much of themselves they give to their children and families. If my mother were alive today, I would kiss her feet every time I saw her. She was a SAHM and now I understand all she did for my sister and I. Thanks, mami, for everything.

I know it's easy to vent and harp on what's wrong and terrible in life, but I want to remember the good times, too. I may struggle with my girls, but they are my life. They are beautiful. They are my miracle babies. I can't imagine my life without them now that I have them. They are a pain in my ass at times, but they are just as important to me as the air I breathe. The tears, frustration, anger, fatigue and feelings of regret all melt away when Akira "talks" to me or Sakura smiles at me and stares into my eyes when I sing to her. Never does a day go by that I remember I could have lost them, they could have died, I could have came home childless. No matter how bad or how hard it gets, I remind myself of the miracles Sakura and Akira are, I wipe my tears and I tell them I love them more than they can imagine.

It's very hard these days to pick myself up and keep going. Everyday it seems to get harder and rougher. I do need to take care of myself more and I'll have to figure that out. Make sure you take care of yourself as well. God willing, I'll be able to get back on track.


  1. I know this is kinda cliche, but it definitely does get easier. I was a SAHM until Lydia was 8 months (and even know I only work 2 days a week). I had in my mind all of the things I would want to accomplish in a day, and sometimes none of them would get done. Obviously I didn't have twins (the idea scares the crap out of me), so I may not understand caring for two, but once they are less fragile and begin to move around some, I think it gets easier. They can get more of their own needs met. I still get frustrated sometimes (like when I was trying to cook dinner yesterday and Lydia wanted me to pick her up the whole time), but for the most part, I find this stage in her life to be easier. Invite people into your world to help you out - let friends and family come over whenever offered. That's definitely a lifesaver. And once your ready, schedule a Ladies Night with friends - even if it is just once a month. Sometimes you need a drink and some girl talk :)

  2. Aww... I wish I could offer you tried and true advice but, truth is, I feel that way ALOT, too. My babies are 19 months and 3 1/2 years old and I'm due for #3 next month. I get driven up the wall! Lol. But even when times get hard and you feel like those crazy bang-your-head-on-the-wall times are outnumbering the good ones, you realize that those good moments are enough to get you through until the next good moment. Otherwise, I'd have been put in the crazy house a loooong time ago. Hope you feel better!